I don’t know where other people find their inspiration to write. For me much of the time the thoughts just come. I find myself talking in my head as if to an audience then try to capture those words on paper (computer). Sometimes I go searching for an idea that will spark a flow of consciousness. Look through the bits and pieces and project starts. Today I found notes logged after a conversation with my Dad.
He had called to pass along a reference “Read Barbara Brown Taylor’s Leaving Church: A Memoir of Faith” I have pulled back from the work I do at my small town church and confessed some of my inner turmoil with my Dad. What came to me after the conversation was an epiphany. Why I get so wound up is from an underlying belief that I shouldn’t step away. That I am abandoning the church. I realized I believed I should be able to make things at church work well and THEN step back.
The-Same-Way I had stayed on in a corporate rat race that was killing me. I kept thinking if I could catch up with the mountain of work (that consumed 50 and 60 hours weekly) THEN I could leave. The birth of my older son Ben was the catalyst for me to simply quit.
The-Same-Way I took several months to step out of a fantastic weekly networking group. I had this idea I should be able to do all the new projects as I expanded my business AND keep up attendance every week. I also wanted to prove my worth to the group then it would be okay to step away.
The hammer drop. Epiphany. Came when I realized this was a repeating pattern. I set markers to reach before I can leave. Constructs of my own making. In my inner self there are beliefs that don’t serve me.
Real winners do not quit.
If I was good enough I could fix what isn’t working. If I can’t it means I’m lacking.
I have to prove my worth especially if I’m drowning.
Crazy. And true.
With Forging A Life: Truths in Creation of Katana I talk about the first heats that draw out the billet. The steel is hammered into a long slender tapered bar that give pretty good indication of what it will eventually become. The human equivalent is how our understanding of ourselves and the world is shaped as a young child and adolescent. We imprint from those who raise us and our environment. Then build beliefs and patterns of operating. It’s an interesting web we weave. We both confirm and deny who we are and what we are capable of.
There is the story of a newlywed cutting off the end of a roast before putting it into the oven. When her spouse asked “Why?” she stated that was how her mother had done it. The spouse, still curious asked the mother-in-law why she cut the end of the roast off. “Because that’s how her mother did it.” In this family it happened that there were four generations still living. So the spouse was able to ask grandma and then great-grandma. The answer came to light when great-grandma explained her roasting pan was too small, so, she had to cut the roast to fit in the pan.
That’s how our modes of operation work. The original reason, when and why, a construct is formed gets lost. We operate automatically applying known responses to new situations.
When I suddenly saw so clearly how I set unattainable markers to meet before I could justify moving on it brought so much clarity. The awareness opened the door for self work clearing limiting beliefs. I now have the ability to recognize when I’m creating false markers. I will recognize sooner and get clean faster, going forward.
What reactions, patterns of response, automatic behaviors do you recognize in yourself? Do they serve you, help you thrive? Do they keep you stagnant, cage you in? Once identified we can seek the underlying beliefs and change them. When we are aware of what’s happening as-it-is-happening then we have the power to alter our actions and change our trajectory.
For Your Best Possible Self,
Coach Christine Clark