I’ve been having some juicy conversations with my friend and coaching peer Jenn Schaefer (you can find her @ Coach Kicky on Facebook) We’ve walked around and through both ones relationship to self and self esteem. Curiously both conversations have come round to the primary relationship with one’s significant other in the season post children i.e. the empty nest.
Children take up enormous space and energy. From birth until they fly the nest they are central and integral to life. While we somehow know this, I discovered the impact in ways I couldn’t fathom until they were no longer present. Like going from five gallons of milk a week to half a gallon. Really! In the vacuum left by young adults soaring there is suddenly more time, space and energy.
In Demi Moore’s memoir “Inside Out” she articulates how this happens: “….soon it was just a life of coordinating details trying to sync our schedules….three little girls all under the age of ten who were our first priority. It’s not surprising we barely had time for each other. With each of us going full tilt on our careers we had a perfect kind of distraction for our energy. When we were together we had the kids in common and we focused on them……..” It’s just life with kids. The adults do not intentionally disconnect from each other.
Conversing with Jenn we are drawn to the woman’s perspective of the empty nest. This season offering the opportunity for moms to step into their own. For her to shed roles and labels and find self actualization in a variety of ways. I am sure there is a dad version of this as well. The vacuum puts focus on the relationship with your significant other. A relationship that without the buffer of children IS changed. Nuances of interaction and ways we behave rise to the surface in the available space and are magnified. It’s not that we didn’t work through issues and challenges as they arose over the last 18 plus years. It’s just that patterns were established. Patterns which don’t serve us because there is irritation attached (think leaves stuff about or puts things away in the wrong place) or they are simply blasé. Add in desires for either one or both of you to shift who you are as individuals and it can get messy.
Like all self development there are no simple clean answers. It takes work. To start you have to risk speaking up. If possible sit down and talk. Begin with what’s good and move into what you’d like to change. Recognize that both of you created what was established over the years. Own your part. Even if you were the people pleaser then furious martyr. (me) Vent outside the conversation. Expel anger and resentment else where so you can come back to the table in relative calm. Make a list of everything wonderful and appreciated about your spouse. Kiss often. Look for the connectional feel good moments. When something doesn’t sit well first check out the story in your head about what’s going on. Second share what you are feeling and make a clean request for what you want.
The most important thing, above all else, claim the promise of this new season. Lean into the delicious freedom available to both of you. Have faith in the shared history that brought you this far. Stay in the work. Celebrate every bit of progress. The best is yet to be.
For Your Best possible Self,
Coach Christine Clark